Vulcanized Love
by Random Guise
Summary: This story takes place immediately after the end of the movie Joe Versus The Volcano, where Joe and Patricia Banks are seen floating away on a luggage raft. Jumping into a volcano was an exciting way to start their life together; where do they go from there? I don't own these characters, and the closest I've gotten to lava was the same-named bar of soap.


**A/N: Takes place immediately after the end of the movie Joe Versus the Volcano.**

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Vulcanized Love

"Away from the things of man, my love. Away from the things of man" Joe Banks told his new wife Patricia as they floated in the ocean under a beautiful moon. Waponi Woo was now completely underwater.

"But we're taking our luggage with us" she countered. "They're a thing of man." The raft they floated on was nothing more than Joe's steamer trunks lashed together.

"Maybe, maybe not. For all I know God invented them for us to live the rest of our lives together with; maybe we're supposed to be buried in them when we die." He patted one lovingly. "They've saved our lives twice so far. Like us, they have survived trial by fire and are strengthened by it. That, and a lifetime warranty."

They fell asleep, and didn't wake up until the sun had risen the next morning and a gentle slapping of the waves stirred them from their slumber. They had arrived at another beach, washed up during high tide it would seem.

"Did the island come back up again?" asked Patricia.

"I doubt it; I don't see any big volcano in the center." And it was true; the island had no volcano or even high mountains, just a gentle slope up a small hill was all that could be seen. "From what I know of islands..."

"...which is nothing" Patricia interjected.

"...this is completely different. We're probably the only people on it." Right after Joe said this a few people appeared out of the trees and started walking towards them. "Well, okay, but there will be a problem speaking to them." The nearest person yelled out "Hey, you there!" as he waved his arms.

"Then again, maybe we floated 2000 miles overnight and ended up in Hawaii. Let's find out." Joe hopped into the shallow water and helped Patricia down before trying to pull the trunks further onto the beach. The nearest person who had yelled was now with them.

"Let me help you" he said as he pulled along with them. A few others joined and they managed to drag the trunks completely out of the water. "That should be good" said the man, dressed not unlike the Waponis they had left the previous night.

"You speak English" Joe said, addressing the first man.

"My English is better than French" said the man. "My name is Chief Tonma. Welcome to Tricky Woo."

"Uh, hi. I'm Joe, and this is my wife Patricia."

"How do you do" Tonma said as he bowed to Patricia. "Interesting boat you have."

"We were just floating. We were on Waponi Woo last night when it sank" Patricia offered.

"We see from here. Great fire show. Bad for Waponis. They think God live in volcano but they wrong. Silly superstition." Tonma criticized. "It not help them sell bubaro to Big Chief Graynamore." Bubaro was a rare mineral that wealthy American industrialist Samuel Graynamore needed for his semiconductor business. He also happened to be Patricia's father.

"That's right!" Joe exclaimed. "Waponi Woo was the only place to get bubaro. Patricia, your dad's business is in trouble now unless he can hire miners that can hold their breath for a really long time."

"Tricky Woo have bubaro too" Tonma countered. "We just not sell cheap. Now we only place to get. Good for Tricky Woo. You bring good news, now you help us celebrate."

"We don't have to jump into a volcano afterward, so we? Otherwise just push us back out into the water and we'll take our chances."

"No volcano to jump in. You jump in pond if you like."

"Just checking, we'll stand on land if it's all the same to you" Joe said with relief.

During the day the newlyweds were treated to a tour of the island, the grass huts that dotted the opposite beach, a fishing trip and Joe even learned the proper way to climb a palm tree. After visiting the seaside hut of the chief, they were taken to a central area and shown what bubaro looked like in its natural state, all the while being treated like dignitaries; in fact they were made honorary citizens and given a ceremonial necklace memento to the island. In the afternoon the sky began to darken toward the east, and some of the islanders began to look out to sea with worry. The chief assured everyone that there was no problem, and the celebration would continue. The wind began to pick up and the waves grew larger.

The chief, looking at the growing waves, ordered that the thrones in his hut be moved to a large grass building on the highest point of the beach. Joe helped the natives move the heavy objects to the house, and they stored them in a loft above the one main room. Food and water were also brought from the chief's hut and placed in the ground level room.

"High ground safe when water rises" the chief explained.

"Do you have a special dance to keep the water away? I could learn really fast" Joe offered.

"No dance help from wind! Silly ideas you have; I thought you civilized" answered the chief, somewhat offended.

The wind picked up and it started to rain as they all sought shelter in the large grass building. The roof leaked slightly in spots, but otherwise was mostly dry. A flash of lightning in the dark was followed immediately by the roll of thunder and a crash. A native looked outside and, wide-eyed, informed the chief that a tree had been split in two.

"That bad. I am sorry Patricia, but to save people we must tie you to tree on beach to appease water god. Tree split is last sign. Up to then you safe." Several men took hold of Joe as the chief continued. "Joe, you stay here where safe. It is not for you to die."

"Wrong!" Joe yelled, incensed. "It IS my place beside my wife. If she dies, I die too. Happily ever after and all that."

"Hmmm," the chief thought "okay. You both die. Ever after is short." The men took both out to be tied to a tree near the water as the wind was almost howling.

"I thought you weren't superstitious" Joe pleaded with the chief.

"Waponis superstitious. This science!" the chief yelled to be heard above the wind. They tied up the two and left for the shelter of the hut again.

"Joe, you didn't have to come" Patricia said into his ear as she twisted around. "You don't have a brain cloud, you should make something of your life!"

"I am doing something with my life, I just don't have that much of it left! What good is ever after without the happily part? We survived a volcano together, what's the worst that can happen?" A lightning bolt struck another tree nearby. "I wasn't asking for an example!" he yelled into the air. "This might be making our relationship stronger, but I'd sure feel a lot safer in my luggage right about now."

"Do you realize this is our honeymoon?" asked Patricia.

"Well, the room service here sucks!"

"Maybe we should fill out one of those comment cards and complain in a very harsh language" Patricia suggested.

"Good idea. Damn, I seem to have lost my pen" Joe added. "Got one on you?"

"Sorry, no pockets. And this isn't even a negligee or anything."

"I think you're the prettiest, sexiest thing tied to a tree out here, and I'm not just saying that to score points. I'd kiss you, but I got this rope thing going on at the moment..."

An incredible gust suddenly blew across the island. In the huge flash of a tremendous bolt of lightning, the two could see the hut shake and collapse in the wind. No more flashes lighted the beach, and they were left alone in the wind, rain and dark for the remainder of the night.

...

The next morning dawned gray and cool. From their tree, Joe and Patricia could see the flattened hut up near the top of the beach. After no one came to check on them, they struggled for some time before managing to finally slip out of the rope. They staggered up the branch-scattered slope to the hut and surveyed the damage. In the wind the heavy thrones had collapsed the hut, killing all the villagers on the floor below.

They turned away and didn't speak for some time. Patricia fingered her ceremonial necklace, then spoke softly. "We're the only Tricky Woo citizens left now. We own the island, and all the bubaro. If my father wants to buy it, he has to buy it from us. We're set for life."

"I think we learned a valuable lesson here" Joe said solemnly.

"That people shouldn't make fun of superstitions when they have them as well?" Patricia suggested.

"Yeah," Joe offered "or you could say: People who live in grass houses should not store thrones."

The End

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 **A/N: This is a terrible pun, but for those who don't get it there is an old saying about hypocrisy: 'People who live in glass houses should not throw stones'.**


End file.
